The Abduction: An Alien's Perspective
by Brian J. Dooley
"So, Bribloxx, is this your first time on Earth?" asked Garangulath.
"In fact, I've only just arrived."
"Well then, you'll want to observe everything very closely. This is not an easy assignment. There are many things to learn."
"I studied Earth at school, and came first in my class, actually. But I am sure there are many things which just don't get into the textbooks."
"Absolutely. Now, pass me that rectal probe, if you would."
"This here?" asked Bribloxx, holding up a long snakelike device, which slithered around one of his arms as he raised it."
"No, that there .the instrument with the two tentacles and the pincushion head."
"Ah, I see. Yes, that would fit better."
"This is important. The right tool for the job. These instruments had to be specially crafted to fit the various human orifices. And protrusions."
"Do they not feel anything? This one's eyes seem to be bulging out quite a lot."
"No, not at all. Professor Ferolimp has expressly demonstrated that human beings have no feeling at all at least not in the way that we reckon it."
"It does look rather uncomfortable, though."
"Indeed it does. But a small amount of discomfort for the greater good cannot be avoided." He manipulated the probe within the orifice until it made a sound rather like cracking knuckles. The subject's eyes bulged out a little further. Garangulath withdrew the probe and passed it back to his assistant. "Now, if you would pass me the face screw," he requested, looking studiously down upon the subject, his enormous eyes colouring slightly red from their usual grey as he concentrated. "That's the one the instrument that looks like a tennis racket with knobs on the edge. We use this to extrude portions of the face for sampling purposes."
Bribloxx passed over the instrument, which his superior snapped about the subject's face, bearing down upon the handle and twiddling with its knobs. He then proceeded to swab the exposed surfaces with a tiny mop-like device which had been clipped to his earlobe.
"Are you sure they don't feel anything?," asked Bribloxx, again.
"Certainly not, certainly not," muttered Garangulath, busy about his job. Now, I would like you to get me the throat cavity massager. That's the instrument you lifted earlier the one that seemed rather like a serpent. We feed it down the throat thusly," he took the sinuous object, abruptly opened the subject's mouth, and pressed it down into the throat. "Now, did you see that small convulsion? We chart that, and compare its intensity to previous samples. This is proving a most excellent experiment."
"How long have you been here?" asked Bribloxx.
"Quite a bit of a while, I must say. Quite a while. I arrived just after the crash at Roswell."
"Wow. That's in the history books!"
"Yes," replied Garangulath meditatively. "I was part of the original clean up crew. Some of the humans seem to believe that their rulers have been keeping our arrival secret. In reality, of course, they found nothing. But human leadership groups like to confuse the rest of the people. That appears to be a principal function."
"Oh, look .there's some sort of red goop coming out of the proboscis."
"Ah, the nose. Yes, it is particularly prone to such emissions."
"How about the goop does it perform a function?"
"My, my. Yes, indeed it does. This is called "the blood." Understand that humans are actually complex colonies of creatures called "cells," which draw nourishment from "the blood." The colony generally remains together in a tight confederation, but various groups gradually cease contributing to the whole, others fall off and such, finally reaching a condition that is called "dead."
"Can you show me on this one?"
"No, not today," laughed Garangulath. "Others tend to become suspicious when one of them is turned dead. We can only do this if we carefully remove the subject entirely. Then, after a while, they tend to forget that it is gone and go about their business."
"What is this instrument?" asked Bribloxx, holding up a doughnut-shaped device with a narrow tube attached by a coil.
"Now, that is the Shelfam Needle. It is used with the protrusion below, which grows under careful manipulation to fit the collar, before the tube is passed into the small orifice there. Here let me show you."
The subjects eyes bulged out slightly further, and rolled a little, while a small bit of dribble rolled out the side of its mouth. Garangulath completed the task and removed the device. "These human creatures are filled with all kinds of goop," he remarked. "We are still uncertain as to the purposes it all serves. Some may be lubrication, some, fuel. There does seem to be an awful lot, though."
"This one doesn't look very good anymore. It is turning a bit greenish, I think."
"I see. Yes, yes. I think we are done with this one. You tag him with that tattoo gun here you know how to use it, and then clean up. We should be able to catch the nightly transport at the crop circle pad just down the road. My friend Lizerwoosp made it in the Grachnussian symbol for "naked fingers." He chortled, and wheezed through the tiny indentation that was his nose. "Naked fingers, indeed," he repeated. "The fellow is a real character."
"Done here, I think," said Bribloxx. "Where does this one go?"
"That depends on where we picked it up. If it was in bed, we pop it back into bed and no-one's the wiser. If we found it anywhere else, we just drop it off nearby in the woods, where it will wander around for a bit, then get to wherever it's supposed to go."
"This was a bed job."
"Okay, then. Beam it in."
Bribloxx beamed the subject back to its bed. It fell with a loud plop at the other end, arms and legs splayed curiously, and snoring loudly.
"Well done," said Garangulath. "It will assume it had some sort of nightmare from sleeping in an odd (though not entirely indecorous) position. Now, let's close up, and head for home." He pressed the destabilisation button, and the laboratory folded into a neat pouch about the size of a briefcase. Together, he and his assistant headed for the crop circle, their slimy green skin glowing slightly in the starlight, as they edged through the grass.
"While we're walking, I'll tell you some things about Earth," offered Garanguluth. "This is not at all like Zeta, or the Corbowizhd Cluster. No. Earth is a primitive planet entirely inhabited by these complex colonies of cells, which come in a wide variety of very distinct forms. It is our job to learn all we can, for members of these colonies live in great harmony with each other, though the colonies themselves often get into great strife. And so, young Bribloxx, we will continue with our studies of the colony subjects, and learn of the lives of these cells, which are at the centre of everything here .."
The two walked off to the crop circle, where they were met by a large, rotating space transport, and taken back to Zeta, where the Corwigges still trimble, there to make themselves ready for another cycle and a continued investigation of new worlds and new civilisations boldly going where no Throg had gone before.
Copyright 2001, Brian J. Dooley