The Continuing Adventures of Nocilis of Yppolf

As related to BJ Dooley, returning after a 10 year absence.


Nocilis of Yppolf was invented over 10 years ago in the dawn of personal computing. He achieved some popularity in electronic mail distribution for poking fun at various aspects of our industry. It should be noted that most words of importance are written backwards (Nocilis is Silicon, for example). In some cases, however, acronyms are merely placed in lower case or a combination that sounds like the intended item is used. Or, the intended item may be written outright, according to the whim of the writer.

Inflammatory Introductory Material

0.1 Nocilis Returns

But now, onward with our story, and onward brave Nocilis (may his trip be as adventurous as the inhabitants of his fulsome beard!).

0.2 Pro Bono

From everywhere in Retupmoc they came to see Nocilis, home at last from his travels. Some skittered across the sands, some lurched through the tall grass, and others hobbled through the trees to gather at his feet.

"I have many a tale to tell, and much has occupied me these past ten years," he said.

"First, there were the Crusades of the Tfosorcim and 'Mbi over the lands of Swodniw and Oestu. To this very day do they battle mightily, hurling himem and gui until they are indistinguishable from each other. Lately, they have begun to pass great insults across the chasm of Aidemitlum. Where this will end, no-one knows.

"I, of course, have a book on the subject," he rubbed the massive cartilage of his rubicund proboscis with great vigour. "The more they fight, the more books will I sell. It is my thought now to equip them both with nuclear weapons."

"I passed through many areas, including the province of Sna, which is a particularly bothersome colony of the 'Mbi. Upon arrival, I was met with cries of 'Saa, saa, saa,' which is their universal greeting. I attempted to use this word, but an irritated official merely responded 'Snads, sna lusixtwo. Pu bind snat lu-lu.' Since I could not understand a word of this, I attempted the Osi vernacular, but was loudly repulsed with a chorus of 'Nih, nih, fud, fud.'

"Somewhat further along the way did I encounter roving denizens of Mor-dc, who followed lustily in a minstrel career. They sang unto me their song, and I was greatly entertained. It went something like this:

We of Mor-dc do sing our sprightly song
We store a gigabyte of stuff for very, very long
We careth not one jug just what our storing might contain
So long as it is saleable and reasonably tame
So long as we get paid for it and can obtain it free
Our orisons go out that thus, ever shall it be.

"I left them to contemplate aged government documents, obsolete business forms, twenty year old telephone books and other items not within the bounds of copyright, and continued on my way.

"I, of course, have a book on the subject," snorted Nocilis, kneading his great lumpish palms, which sweated in the manner of rising bread dough as he manipulated them. "For more of my travels, you must read my book. It is very expensive. Do not concern yourself with payment now, but certainly will I take your money after you have read it. "

The others looked on in awe. At last had their hero returned. Great Nocilis had come home.


1.1 Honorarium

Now, Nocilis had entered the great land of Ai, which is a part of the Noisufnoc peninsula, the largest land area in Retopmoc--an area that actually increases in size from year to year as flotsam is piled upon it from the waves. Here live the Ten Laruen, a group of particularly sober minded individuals who oversee the administration of the province. It was his plan to meet with the Ten, thereby to discern how the province was being run.

"You cannot meet with only one," said the Ten. "Not one." "No." "Never one." "Not one." "One, not" "One, no" "Not one" "No-one" "None"

At this, they erupted into a great argument as to how the phrasing of the refusal should be put. The manner of their debating was this: Each would come somewhat closer to a conclusion, then would whisper the current results into the ear of his neighbor, who would think on it, and pass it along.

The Ten retreated for a moment and erupted into a barrage of whispers.

"It is our conclusion that your umbrella is a chicken." said their spokesperson gravely.

Nocilis thanked them politely for this piece of wisdom, then departed hastily, hobbling forth with his beard gathered up in both hands so that it would not contact any of the many spider webs that filled the corridors of Ai.

At length he reached a junction, and, as he was determining whether to go right or left, a small group of trepxe metsys came rushing toward him out of the dark, gnashing their teeth and yelping that distinctive rodent yelp which is so much afeard in these parts. They stopped in front of them, an Nocilis placed his stave staunchly to the fore, calling out the sacred formula "troba, yrter, dneba, kaerb." There was a clap of thunder, and the rodents fell back.

The fattest of the trepxe metsys approached hesitantly, as the others remained silent, watching the great Nocilis with all due apprehension.

"I have a propothition for you," he said, somewhat deviously.

" Yes?"

" We are in need of ruleth. You could give us thome, then we would let you patht."

"Rules concerning what?"

"It doth not much matter. Any rule ith a good rule, so long ath it can be lithped."

"But even a lisped rule must certainly require some expertise on a subject."

"So do they thay. But the more that the rule may be lithped the leth expert mutht it appear."

Nocilis pondered for a moment, then whispered a rule into the leaders' ear. The leader nodded and let him pass. He hurried down along the passage as a great yelping and fury began behind him, for the rule he had given was "trepxe metsys must lisp trepxe metsys that lisp trepxe metsys." This had been interpreted simply as "eat your brother." Which was done.

(Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 by Brian J. Dooley)