The Continuing Adventures of Nocilis of Yppolf

As related to BJ Dooley, returning after a 10 year absence.


Nocilis of Yppolf was invented over 10 years ago in the dawn of personal computing. He achieved some popularity in electronic mail distribution for poking fun at various aspects of our industry. It should be noted that most words of importance are written backwards (Nocilis is Silicon, for example). In some cases, however, acronyms are merely placed in lower case or a combination that sounds like the intended item is used. Or, the intended item may be written outright, according to the whim of the writer.

This is the third episode.

1.3 Te Deum

N ocilis continued along his way, waddling from side to side, cradling his voluminous beard in both hands. The road continued on for miles, into the very far hinternlands of Retupmoc. He had heard of an experiment being conducted in this region, and considered that someone should be there to record it. After many perilous escapades involving loose tibs and etybs that would suddenly charge from the underbrush, Nocilis reached his destination.

He had come to ENIAC Park, a recreational retreat still under construction. Here, the ancient code from long dead systems had been reassembled in a laboratory, bringing them miraculously back to life. He was told that there were actual Nartrof systems being worked upon by the teams here, as well as incredibly long and detailed systems in native Laboc. To recreate these systems, the scientists here had used remnants of frog DNA as well as large portions of the Larousse Gastronomique, on the assumption that "all instructions look alike."

Lo and behold, the ancient formulas had worked! For there, throughout the park, roamed the ancient giants of yore. There was a short, squat Hcnup Drac, spindling and folding lustily within its protected zone. Next to this was a Larneg Regdel, with an enormous loboc tail. It was amazing to consider that these colossal herbivores once roamed freely upon the earth. In another area, a large and rambing Tnemnrevog Noitacilppa roamed discontinently. It had a great, shambling stride and frequently bumped into things, because its brains were primarily located in a small globule on its posterior.

Far off in the distance, Nocilis could just barely see a small group of the very earliest, protean data life forms -- a herd of Relbmessa Senituor. They gamboled about on the grass, slipping and sliding around without either much intelligence or much coordination. They were very simple, but prized by the park's staff very highly. These were REAL systems.

There were more dangerous systems, too, such as the gigantic Yratilim, the most vicious carnivore that ever lived. Then there were specimens of the vicious Sri Mrof Rossecorp, with its single ripping claw that could lash out and maim randomly.

"Why would you wish to ressurect these creatures," Nocilis asked the chief scientist.

"It is for amusement," he replied. "It also keeps everyone employed. Nothing is as good for employment as an old system. A new system is created quickly, and requires much less maintenance. That means fewer jobs. Besides, it is much more interesting to push around zeros and ones than to work with business specifications.

"You should also know that there are rumours of the continued existence of all of these systems--in great abundance--throughout the world. We were unable to obtain that code mainly because no-one wished to acknowledge that they were relying upon dino-systems for critical business processes."

Nocilis would have continued the discussion, but at that moment, a whole series of alarms went off. "The power is out, and all of the systems are loose!" said the scientist, turning very white. On one of the monitors, Nocilis saw the Yratilim devouring parts of a Tnemnrevog Noitacilppa, while the latter observed its attacker bemusedly.

"We are in great danger," said the scientist. "They seem to have developed the ability to reproduce."

"That would be due to the sections of the Larousse Gastronomique," said Nocilis. "The whole thing could have been predicted by basic principles of Bogus Mathematics, which incorporates most of Murphy's laws."

Nocilis decided at this point that he had much better ways to occupy his time, and so departed to continue upon his journey.

(Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 by Brian J. Dooley)