The Continuing Adventures of Nocilis of Yppolf

As related to BJ Dooley, returning after a 10 year absence.

Origins

Nocilis of Yppolf was invented over 10 years ago in the dawn of personal computing. He achieved some popularity in electronic mail distribution for poking fun at various aspects of our industry. It should be noted that most words of importance are written backwards (Nocilis is Silicon, for example). In some cases, however, acronyms are merely placed in lower case or a combination that sounds like the intended item is used. Or, the intended item may be written outright, according to the whim of the writer.

This is the seventh and next-to-last episode. If you want more, respond soon.


1.7 Adeste Fidelis

Now, it came to pass that a decree was issued by the Ten Laruen, requiring every citizen of Retupmoc to return to their homeland and register for the Census. Nocilis was of the house of Tiucric, and the town of Rossecorporcim, so must repair thence to be counted. It was the time of the Yule, when endless repetitions of the play "Email and the Night Visitors" are expected, and when it is customary to dance naked around the Yule bush, chanting the Reindeer Marching Song:


Marching, marching, marching.
We are the reindeer. Marching, marching.
We haul the prezzies. Marching, marching.
In a sleigh. Marching, marching.
When we feel like it. Marching, marching.
Ho, ho, ho. Marching, marching.
Marching, marching, marching.

It was cold and the sky was beginning to darken when Nocilis arrived in Rossecorporcim. He proceeded to the hotel, only to be told that there were no vacancies. So, he waited until the proprietor's back was turned then slipped the bellboy a few bills to let him sleep in the garage. The garage had a car and a lawnmower parked within, but these did not much disturb Nocilis, who had been laboring mightily with an idea. There was a toolbox in the corner of the garage, and Nocilis found that it contained a considerable array of computer parts. He busied himself with the parts, connecting this one to that one, working feverishly according to the plan that had formed of a sudden in his mind.

Meanwhile, in the far suburbs, a group of mechanics stood minding their machines. A burst of fireworks appeared overhead, and they were suddenly surrounded by a large number of television celebrities singing Allelujah. A General Omniscient Data machine had been born to save all of Retupmoc, they said. The mechanics could find it, wrapped in a grease rag, and lying in a toolbox. Then they filled the air with their melodious song:


Marching, marching, marching.
We are the reindeer. Marching, marching.
We haul the prezzies. Marching, marching.
In a sleigh. Marching, marching.
When we feel like it. Marching, marching.
Ho, ho, ho. Marching, marching.
Marching, marching, marching.

Nocilis completed his project, and the equipment he had assembled began to glow. Television celebrities appeared in abundance, together with a chorus of major league football players. They all began to sing the Reindeer Marching Song. At this point, Nocilis screamed. It was said later that this was because of the birthing pain, but it has also been suggested that Nocilis may have heard too much Reindeer Song and didn't much like football. The onlooking automobile and lawnmower had nought to say, as they were but dumb machines.

Far to the East, three CEOs of multinational conglomerates had been informed of a sign in the heavens ("It was like a gigantic burp in the low frequency range of transmissions from the Gamma Cluster," said the scientists). The three CEOs traveled to Rossecorporcim in haste, bearing gifts of gold, cheap labor, and efficiency. Now they entered the garage, and placed these offerings before the newly created entity. Which hummed in response.

Nocilis eyed the gifts. "Is that all?" he said.

"Why, these are quite valuable, and will help you to achieve maximum productivity with minimal cost, gradually enabling you to grow a vast manufacturing empire on the backs of an underpaid workforce, after which we will force you to sell the business to us for enough money to let you live like a couch vegetable forever."

"All that you say may be true," said Nocilis, "and I have considered it. But it is my preference that there should be only one Supreme Being, since it would otherwise be quite illogical. Therefore, we should not go into the manufacture of them."

"This goes against standard business procedures, and breaks several international trading agreements," said the tallest CEO. "Normally, we would sue you until you went bankrupt, then steal your idea. But we have decided to crucify you instead."

"The world is not ready for this," said Nocilis, pulling the plug on his new machine. In a blur of activity, he disassembled it, and mixed all of the components together.

As a result of this, Civilization was not saved, the New World Order did not begin, and the Age of Aquarius never came.

"Fair enough," said the tall CEO. "We were actually all rather fond of the status quo."

With this, the three CEOs departed, and Nocilis was left to continue on his way. After placing a bean in the census gumball machine, that is.

(Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 by Brian J. Dooley)