A friend who puts on brief theatrical sketches asked if I might write something he could use. Only, it had to start with "Bite your tongue" and end with "That's what you say !" So (after profuse apologies), I presented the following, (of course, he couldn't use it!).


Howard and Amanda are an older, somewhat overweight not-too-attractive couple sitting up in a rumpled bed. She is dressed in a kind of Victoria's Secret leather outfit, and idly flails a riding crop. He has a black singlet and strap, but is mainly under the sheets, arms and legs tied to the bedposts.

Amanda: Bite your tongue.

Howard: Okay.

<cartilege crunchy sound>

Howard: Now how ken I thay th thafe word?

Amanda: You mean the safe word? The word that tells me when to stop?

Howard: Yeth.

Amanda: Do you want to stop?

Howard: I think tho.

Amanda: Then I need to hear the safe word.

Howard: Can't thay it.

Amanda: I'm gonna beat your bottom until you cry. (Proceeds to whack him on the heinie with the riding crop)

Howard: Thafe word!

Amanda: That's not the safe word. (whacks him some more)

Howard: Thafe word, thafe word, thafe word.

Amanda: Sorry. Won't do. I need the real safe word.

Howard: Can't thay it.

Amanda: Well, that's just too bad. (twists his nose)

Howard: Outh!

(Amanda twergles his ear)

Howard: Thuperthar!

Amanda: What?

Howard: Thafe word, thafe word, thafe word.

Amanda: (whispering in his ear) Now, remember, we agreed that the safe word would be "SuperStar"

Howard: Thuperthar!

Amanda: What? (whacks him again on the heinie)

Howard: Thuperthar! Thuperthar! Thuperthar!

(Amanda continues whacking)

Amanda: (pausing, mutters) Just gibberish, that's all. (continues whacking)

That's what you say !

- END -